Sunday, 25 January 2009

Here I am...

I think it's fair to say that over the last few months I've been on a journey. Of course life is one huge journey but I wasn't particularily aware of my life journey until I discovered Ironman and even then it's shown me things about myself that I'd rather I didn't know, made me behave in ways I'd rather not have and sent me into a confusing dither about generally everything of late. However, as the mist lifts from my foggy, wooly, tired person I can now see the path ahead and the trail behind. Ironman in fact isn't really the perpetrator, I am. My physical and mental burnout... not Ironman at all. Me.

Since the day Tom & I decided we were going to start training for triathlon I've managed to get myself lost in Tom's aims and goals. That's not Tom's fault, he thought that all the goals I had were just the same as his. I thought all the goals I had were just the same as his. But I'm not the same as Tom, I won't ever be the same as Tom, I don't want to be the same as Tom. I'm me. For a long while there I actually got myself lost. Really rather quite lost. Thankfully I see where I've gone wrong and I'm now trying to sort out what I want, what are MY goals.

I'd like to race Ironman...phew that's a relief, for a while I nearly threw it out of the window.

I'd like to train hard, get in great shape, enjoy my training and be free of comparing myself to other people. I want to be me. In Lanzarote this year I'd like to race as well as I can. I'd like to swim under the hour, ride a 6hr 15min - 6hr 30min bike and run a 3hr 50min marathon. They are my goals. I'm not training to chase Tom's sub 9hr 30 dream so why on earth do I get annoyed when I don't perform the same as him in our training sessions?! I've hindered myself for too long. The training camp in Lanza has done me more good than bad. Yes I trained hard, harder than I was capable and it broke me. But I wasn't suffering from overtraining. I was trying to be something I'm not and in the end that takes it's toll, especially when I'd been training like this for a good few months. I didn't go to the training camp with my own clear cut goals so I just went along with Tom's. Now I see why I need to make my own goals clear. What do I want. So now I feel like I can start my training for Lanzarote with a new perspective.

Tomorrow (Monday) is the dawn of a new day, a new week and the beginning of training for myself, what I want and what will suit me and my goals. It's not even new found positivity, it's just re-discovering the things that I need.

Lanza's training has given me a new feel on the bike and much stronger legs. I've had two great rides this weekend. Thoroughly enjoyed them both and ridden well. I feel like I've lifted a huge weight (one that I'd placed firmly on my own head.) And at the end of the day...what does it really matter?! If I swim just over the hour, if the ride takes me much longer and if I blow up on the run, what does it matter? As long as I'm true to myself and I have Tom by side I'm happy, something I've not really been lately.

SO, I'm bored of all of all of this in-depth mental cack, no doubt you are too. I'm on the road to re-discovery and it's about time :)

"All truths are easy to understand once they are discovered; the point is to discover them." Galileo Galilei

H. x


Anonymous said...

have read your blog for a while now having spotted you and your hubbie in an article in 220!
Firstly the dedication you two have is amazing but also the obvious great relationship you have is equally refreshing.
I just wanted to say I too have had the clarity moment you have had, and you know what I have not looked back and neither will you. Strangely i am racing better and stronger than ever on less hours with a less serious approach.....pressure to perform to a certain level can hinder you.....freedom to just enjoy gives you a sixth gear trust me!
Keep up the hard work!

Jevon said...

Best post you've ever written.

runtilyoudrop said...

Damn right.

Be the person you are and enjoy it.

H said...

Old habits die hard and I'm sure I'll slip a little on the way but with my new found 'it doesn't matter' mantra I'm hoping for the complete freedom you talk of scousetribird :) thanks for your insight into what it's like having gone through similar and out the other end in one happy piece!
And Jev as always, thankyou. x

Mama Simmons said...

I too have been there... setting goals based on someone else's goals. Nothing but frustration to be had! I was amazed at how much happier I was to train when I really set my own plan and did my own thing. More successful too! Good luck!

DaveMcG said...

Well done running Brass Monkey Helen - thought you ran a canny race... relaxed and smiling (at mile 12 at least!)

Mama Simmons said...

I forget how I found your blog? A link from someone else's blog I'm sure... and I was lured in by the title (50 weeks to kona!). I like reading others who are inspiring... :) Hope you guys make it to Kona! I raced there in 2007 and it was amazing.